10 Batman Variants We Will Never Get (but Maybe Will!)

When Mattel announced the Planet X Batman figure in 2013, many collectors scratched their heads (or tore out their hair in frustration.) Why was such an obscure version of the Caper Crusader getting a figure before more relevant characters like Damian Wayne, Talia al Ghul, or the Dick Grayson version of Batman? Why? Hey, this is Mattel we’re talking about — they don’t even know what they’re gonna do next. With that in mind, lets look at the 10 Batman variants we will never get (but maybe will!)

 10. Bat-Baby

First appeared in Batman # 147

I have a confession to make: as a kid, I didn’t really like DC comics. Oh, I liked the characters just fine, but I preferred to watch ’em on TV. My Saturday mornings were all about Shazam, Isis, and The Super Friends, but when it came to actual comics I was a Marvel zombie. It was easy to see why — even though it was the mid-’70s, DC still seemed mired in the Silver Age. A lot of that had to with with the ubiquitous reprints that always padded out their books.

Bat-babies, giant brains, and super apes made DC seem like kiddie fare next to Marvel’s more sophisticated offerings.  And while I can get a chuckle out of it now, at the time I took serious offense to heroes being infantalized. It was creepy and off-putting and my only solace is that, Zod willing, the above will never see life as an action figure.

9. Gorilla Batman

First appeared in JLA Annual #3

Ah, the aforementioned super apes. As a kid I never cared for ’em. I don’t really know why — maybe I’d watched Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla on Chiller Theater too many times to take them seriously as comic heavies. The fact that DC was rife with giant monkeys, detective chimps and beret-wearing gorillas was another strike against their comics in my young eyes. Sigh. Ten years old and already a snob.

DC never met a gimmick it couldn’t milk, over the years providing readers with primate versions of many different heroes, most notably the JLApe. (I know — but it’s still better than the New 52.) Like it or not, the idea is here to stay, most recently popping up in an episode of Batman: Brave and the Bold. Personally, I’ve made my peace and welcome our new super-ape overlords. Banana?

8. Jungle Batman

First appeared in Batman # 72

Speaking of bananas, you’d think Jungle Batman would have a utility belt full of them. You’d be wrong. This costume raises the question: is there really any point in wearing that mask? You’re in the jungle, Bruce. The monkeys have no idea who you are. Well, unless they’re monkey paparazzi. You gotta watch out for monkey paparazzi.

Uh, guys? I know it’s the jungle and all, but what you’re doing up there? Not cool. Please either leave or put some pants on. You’re scaring the children.

7. Rainbow Batman

First appeared in Detective Comics # 241

The setup is simple: for some mysterious reason Batman has to wear a different-colored suit every night. Fine, got it — but does it have to be that color? Fuchsia is fine for Black Orchid, but it’s a hard sell for the Dark Knight detective.  Well, for pink or ill, at least he’s covered this time. Make a note of it, number 8.

Ah, that’s better. It’s a shame that, for all of Kenner’s goofy paint variants, the company never got around to this guy. Between his bright red gloves and boots and his rainbow-hued costume, Rainbow Batman embodies the unbridled kookiness that was the Silver Age of comics. I’ll take him over Neon Night Ninja Batman any day.

6. Mermaid Batman

First appeared in Batman # 53

Grant Morrison was given the perfect opportunity to reintroduce Mermaid Batman back into the DCU proper, but he squandered it telling stories about rich people in owl masks instead. Even though Morrison blew it, it’s still possible for some irreverent up-and-coming pop culture writer to take the reins and give the world the Mermaid Batman stories it deserves. Call me, DC — I work cheap.

5. Alfred Batman

First appeared in Batman #22

If for some bizarre reason you don’t own this issue, I’ll clue you in. Alfred masquerades as his employer’s alter ego to impress a bit of tail. Shocking? You bet. It’s a new low for the manservant. In the above panel he haplessly breaks the fourth wall in an attempt to justify his betrayal of his long-time employer. Hey, don’t look at me, pal — I don’t want any part of your shenanigans.

Collectors are still waiting for decent comic version of Alfred (the DC Direct one is great, but is painfully brittle and long out of production), so the odds of getting him dressed as Batman are pretty high. Besides, it’s hard to buttle in a cape and cowl.

4. Batman’s Robot Twin

First appeared in Detective Comics #239

For all their talk about not having emotions, most robots act like obnoxious, butt-hurt jerks. Case in point: Batman’s Robot Twin. Hmm, I don’t wanna type that whole thing out repeatedly — let’s just call him Gary. Anyway, Gary is a (ahem) Batman robot programmed to think it’s the real thing. Gary is being controlled by a gangster because 1949. Gary goes in search of the real deal and hilarity ensues.

“Give me back my purse. I DON’T KNOW YOU!”

Anyway, after the requisite eight pages of adventure our hero triumphs, the gangster is caught and Gotham returns to business as usual. And Gary? After he got over the whole Batman thing he went out west to find himself and now manages a Taco Yoga in downtown Tuscon.

3. Rip Van Batman

First appeared in Batman # 119

If this concept seems familiar, it’s because every comic character from Bugs Bunny to fellow DC hero Superman has taken a pass at it. Our protagonist falls asleep, wakes up hundreds (sometimes thousands) of years later, and has to deal with the strange new world he find himself in. In Batman’s case, it was all a vision caused by the aroma of some “exotic plants” — in other words, Batman is a lightweight who can’t handle second-hand smoke. Who invited this guy to the party?

2. Bat-Hombre

First appeared in Batman #56

As the recent Batman Incorporated series has shown, there’s more than one way to be the Bat. Once exclusively the domain of well-heeled Gotham socialites, now the door is open to Gauchos, French Muslims, or anyone with a reasonably sized basement and the $50 processing fee. But Luis Peralda was the first franchise Batman, decades before Grant Morrison’s incorporation of the identity.

Ha ha! Trained by the Batman himself to protect the beleaguered South American republic of Mantegua, Peralda is actually a mercenary in the employ of criminal mastermind El Papagayo (the Parrot). He’s outfitted with the obligatory mask, utility belt, and a specialty vehicle: Bat-Horse! Ha ha!

In the end, Peralda’s secret is discovered, he and El Papagayo are arrested, and the good people of Mantegua are free of their repression. And Bat-Horse? Sadly, he’s now a tube of Bat-Glue.

1. Zebra Batman

First appeared in Detective Comics #235

If you were around here in the hazy days of 2009, you may remember Mattel displaying Zebra Batman alongside their upcoming DCUC offerings. And while that figure never actually materialized at retail, the idea of it lingers in the minds of collectors. Unfortunately I can’t seem to find a picture of it to show you, so here’s a shot of Fwoosher ibentmyman-thing’s custom to give you the idea.

It’s a striking design that would really stand out in a sea of primary-colored heroes. Considering Batman’s history of easy repaints, it’s mind-boggling that we still don’t have a Zebra Bats to add to our shelves. Then again, if there’s one thing Matty has taught us over the years, it’s to expect the unexpected. When Zebra Batman eventually does appear, he’ll be double-jointed, come with 15 zebarangs, and be in the Matty’s new “collector’s scale” of 4.75 inches. SUPPORT TEH LINE!

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