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The Greatest Toys Never Made!

Some concepts are so cromulent, so resonant, so ahead of their time that the world just isn’t ready for them. They need time to gestate in the basin of human consciousness until such time when cosmic forces are in alignment, and plangent naysayers are ready to bathe in the awesomeness and be thankful for it. I believe that time is now.

We are ready.

We are ready for the greatest potential SDCC box set of all time.

We as a collective, unified mind are ready for the Power Pachyderms.

In the late-blossoming fullness of the decade that would one day be looked back upon as “the ‘80s,” there came a melding of several concepts. Part mutant, part elephant, a little part TMNT, a little origin-of-Hulkness, a little bit Power Pack — these concepts would swim together in a neutronic sea of ululating potential and be born into the single greatest issue of any single-issue comic series known to mankind. These tusked warriors could barely be contained by the four color processed trees that housed their inked wonder. Unfortunately, time has played its cruel trickery on them and they lay buried underneath the morass of mighty mutantdom and cartoon tomfoolery known as “the ‘90s.” But there are no pouches on these elephants because they are not kangaroos. No, these are elephants. Elephants that walk upright. Elephants with strange powers, that are feared by those around them… and for good reason.

These are the toys of the future. These are the toys that would cement Hasbro as the premier toy-making company of the world. They could look Mattel in their eye(s) and say “You never made Captain Carrot and his Zoo crew? Haha, foolish mortal germs, we have made the Power Pachyderms!!”

And then they can Hammer Dance out of the stadium wearing jet-propelled parachute pants.

For the uninformed, the 2014 SDCC boxset that would melt the convention center, ruining the costumes of a lot of attention-deficient ladies and out-of-shape dudes, is made up of the following characters:

Electralux — The beautiful ninja elephant. Even she doesn’t know exactly why she’s here, but she will cut you.

Rumbo — Vicious elephant with the Adamantium tusks. Because it ain’t a big-deal, fast-selling SDCC box-set without a dude with adamantium appendages. Money in the bank!

Trunklops — Dude, his name is Trunklops. HIS NAME IS TRUNKLOPS! He fires energy blasts from his elephantine snoot, unless he has a ruby quartz snootplug. Plus his name is Trunklops. I sincerely hope you were sitting down when that wave of awesomeness just slapped across your face, because it could have been dangerous.

I know, I know, you need a rest, but we’re not done yet. There’s still more Wackypachy magic to be ladled out.

The coolest of all is named Mammoth — whose steel-wool skin makes him impervious to harm. Isn’t he the cutest metal elephant you’ve ever seen?

Now, that’s only four, so there’s plenty of room for the Power Pachyderms to have a villain to fight in this greatest box set in recorded history. And there can only be one villain for this group because they only had one really good villain in their single issue, and that was:

Clarinetto!

He plays music.

With evilness…

Five characters, five figures, just like 2013‘s Thunderbolts set. But unlike that set, this is a guaranteed seller. While Marvel Legends has aimed itself more towards cross-selling with the movies, and there being no Power Pachyderm movie in the future (yet), then SDCC would be the best place to bring out what will surely be the best selling, most popular set in the history of toy sales worldwide.

Because the world needs a toy with ruby quartz plugged into its snoot.

 

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