Hey, True Believer, this is Part Two! If you missed it, check out Part One HERE.
5. The Monster At My Window!
Okay, here’s where this article starts to draw a little flack. What about Gorgilla, you ask. Or Zzutak? And how could I leave out Mummex, King of the Mummies? Well, friend, I’ll be square with ya: I go with what I like, and I like this guy. He’s just fun, like DC’s Chemo is fun — big green monsters resonate with me, I guess.
So what’s the story? Well, sci-fi writer Paul Marshall finds himself the prey of a being from the 6th dimension. Said being attempts to influence Marshall into writing pro-alien fanfic in a bid to prep the human race for a coming invasion, but we discover Marshall is more than he seems.
Yep, turns out the writer is an even bigger, stupider-looking monster — someone get M.Night Shyamalan on the phone. (Talk about breaking the SpellCheck! Change your name to Gary Jones, dude!) The story ends with a spectacular rooftop battle. I’d show you pictures, but teh internets simply can’t handle such bad-assery. Suffice to say, we need both of these cosmic turkeys for they toy shelf.
4. Goom, the Thing From Planet X!
“Goom,” huh? No wonder Stan is always so happy to talk about Spider-Man — it helps to forget. This guy has a serious anti-topiary agenda. And, people, you can’t climb a tree to get away from something that’s taller than the tree. Stupid monkeys. So, Goom, Conquerer from Planet X, here to enslave Mankind. Sigh. I guess the word got out we’re an easy mark. Maybe we need to hire a bodyguard or something.
Whoa, don’t have a crap attack, buddy! Sorry we resisted — seriously, it’s not like us. We usually roll right over for anybody with a stupid name. Go on with your story.
So he flies around shrinking people and melting tanks with his mind — you know, the usual stuff. Eventually, Goom is dragged kicking and screaming back to Planet X by his fellow aliens and all we’re left with is sweet memories… oh yeah, and his baby. Guess they don’t wrap the rascal on Planet X.
3. Googam, Son of Goom!
Much like Elvis, Googam is everywhere. Also, he will thrill you as never before. You comfortable with that? Oh, you and your partner have an understanding? Okay, then — open some champagne and crank up the Barry White, ‘cuz Googam is ready to kick it.
Also from Planet X, Googam, Son of Goom, is just another immigrant looking for a fresh start in your wonderful country. But your ways are strange to him.
Aw, isn’t he cute? No? Good — you’re learning! Now kill it with fire! Unfortunately, no one kills it with fire.
Okay, Mister Bossy. Jeez. How long do we gotta put up with this guy? It’s page 5 ,so we should be done with him right about…
Take that, ya big jerk! Seriously, send word back to whatever cosmic toilet you came from: Earth is through being your whipping-boy! We’ve had all we can stands and we can’t stands no more! What? I still have two more to go? Oh, for…
2. Tim Boo Ba!
Here’s one of my personal favorites: Tim Boo Ba! At it since the dawn of time with no sign of slowing down, Tim is a motivated tyrant — look at how oppressed his people are! But I guess it helps to love what you do.
Hey, look, that bully just kicked sand in Mac’s face! Better get Charles Atlas on the phone…
Are you trembling yet? You should be — Tim Boo Ba plays for keepsies. Just, uh, try not to look up his dress.
As far as cosmic players go, Timmy here has all the credentials. I mean, Thanos wishes he were this dickish — Death writes Tom Boo Ba love letters. So how many civilizations does a guy have to master around here to receive an action figure? Get on the stick, Hasbro!
Planet X again? Man, we gotta blow that place up — almost half of these creeps are from there! I mean, who whizzed in their Cheerios? Second only to Foom himself, Groot is poised to become one of Marvel’s most famous monsters thanks to his appearance in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Sure, he looks a little different here, but the idea is still the same: Giant Tree Guy.
Groot, aka His Divine Majesty King Groot the 23rd, Monarch of Planet X, custodian of the branch worlds, ruler of all the shades, flora colossus, ol’ Morningwood, etc. A “living tree” (wha?) Groot gets around pretty well in spite of the whole roots-for-feet thing he’s got goin’ on. He’s also pretty tough, doing things you might not expect of a regular tree — think Ent on super-soldier serum. Unlike a lot of the other chuckleheads on this list, Groot actually went on to graduate to the Marvel Universe proper, joining the Guardians of the Galaxy and participating in big “cosmic” events like Annihilation: Conquest. He done good for himself is what I’m sayin’.
While a li’l Groot was included in the Marvel Universe Guardians of the Galaxy box set, fans want a full-sized version of ol’ Splinters to display with their other figures. Groot here is the ideal candidate for relaunching the Marvel Universe Gigantic Battles box sets. Pair him up with the already-tooled Starlord, or pack him with a classic foe like the Hulk. Either way, he’d be a hit. A living tree is an incredibly toyetic concept that would really stand out on the toy shelf, not to mention team-build this popular group. With his profile only going to grow with the movie’s release, it’s looking like Groot is finally going to have his day in the sun.
I understand the chances of getting most of these monsters is pretty slim, but who ever expected to have to see a 16″ Fin Fang Foom figure? Hasbro proved it was possible to pull off, and the fans proved they were willing to buy large assortments of figures to complete the BAF. The model exists, it’s just a matter of implementing it again. Let’s hope that 2014 brings us Groot, Tim Boo Ba, or any of the other fantastic creations lurking in the shadows of the Marvel Universe. It’s about time we puny humans were conquered again…
So what do you think, folks? Did I do good? Or did I totally drop the ball by omitting Bombu, Gargantus, and Xemnu the Titan? Okay then, who is your favorite classic Marvel monster? Discuss it on the Fwoosh forums!
Jason R Mink is the Man in the Anthill! – 06/06/13